literally had 100 drinks last night.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
