you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
