don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
