he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We need to get me chipped asap
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
