I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
