i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
