Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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