Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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