Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
