Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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