Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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