I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
