someone get that fucking seahorse.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
