I faked an abortion last night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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