I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
