He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
