Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize