I hate all girls vehemently.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All I want is dick and wine.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
