Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Bring me that man meat
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
