Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
