im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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