I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
