every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
