i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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