Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
