new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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