I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's get the cat blown out
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
