Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
