so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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