Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
