R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm sobbing to NWA
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
