pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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