You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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