swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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