You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
