is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
