Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
