you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
