just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
