i don't plan on having that self control this summer
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
