Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
