he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
