I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Drunk is not a location!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
