she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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