Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I believe in your delicious
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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