I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We left the knife in your bed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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