mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize