If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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