White coat. Heels.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
