are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
