I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
