so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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