Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
