I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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