Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
