I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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