I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
