Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
