Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i now understand why vodka
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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