She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize