Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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