he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
