worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
as a side note pls kill me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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