Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
