remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize