what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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