Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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