I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
