You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
