im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
