When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize