my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
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