I murdered the dance floor call the cops
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
