I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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