Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
