Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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